Portrayed by Living Historian
- To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler--and less trouble.
- Man is the only animal that blushes—or needs to.
- Clothes make the man—naked people have little influence on society.
- Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
- Familiarity breeds contempt--and children.
- Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.
- The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- The funniest things are the forbidden.
- In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.
- A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.
- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and man.
- Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
- I have no color prejudices, nor caste prejudices, nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.
- Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.
- Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied.